Afraid to be a man
by racerabbit
Summary: After Petra's death, Corporal Levi of the Scouting Squad is sitting at a bar drowning his sorrows with a strong liquid. However, a special someone has no intention in letting him drown alone.
1. Prologue

**Note: I wanted to write a little bit of fluff and lemon…but what the hell happened on the way?!**

Afraid to be a man (Part 1 / Prologue)

A waft of rotten alcohol, sweat and slimy atmosphere hit Hanji in the face as she opened the door to the musky bar. She quickly pulled a hand in front of her nose to cover the smell. _Ugh, it stinks in here_ she thought_._ She walked in and closed the door behind her, scanning the dimly lit room as she did so, for a particularly petite man._ Of all the places, why did he choose here? _

She found him sitting at the end of the bar, making a distinct effort to make sure he was as far away from another human being as possible. He was wearing his casual white shirt and black jacket, but his cravat was missing. As Hanji approached the Corporal she found the neckpiece discarded and forgotten by his feet. The Squad Leader picked it up and then glanced at him, sitting to her right.

"Is it alright if I sit here…Levi?"

The man in question slowly looked up, glancing at her and acknowledging her existence, before returning to his previous staring competition with his beverage.

"It's a free bar. Sit where you like." was his dead-pan response. Hanji smiled a small smile and sat down next to her friend. "It's good to see you're still around. We weren't sure where you had run off to at first when you didn't attend the meeting earlier."

Still not facing her, he replied -"Then I clearly wasn't doing a good enough job if you were able to locate me so quickly then huh? How did you find me?"

"Erwin."

"Che, that rat bastard."

"He gave me instructions of how to find some of your old hiding places. I had no idea you used to hang around these sort of places! They're so filthy too! How did you ever stand it? Even for me, this place could do with a scrub." Levi glared at her and simply responded "It was good enough."

She sighed- "Yeah I suppose in those days you didn't care about how clean you were right? You just tried to survive each night, trying to keep going…just like tonight…" Levi couldn't take it anymore, and finally turned his body around to face hanji, in her full uniform and manoeuvre straps all secured in place. In comparison, he had left himself completely unguarded with no manoeuver gear or even combat clothes ready in sight, something he noted with a twinge of shame.

"Why did you come here Hanji? There must have been a reason for you to disturb me."

She smiled, and looked his sour face in the eye- "Glad to finally have your full attention. I was wondering how long it would take."

"-did not answer my question. Get to the point." The brown haired woman closed her eyes and sighed sadly. "I was wondering how long you were going to mope. It's been four days already." Levi's eyes narrowed dangerously at this. "…and?" Hanji's eyes shot up with determination in them. He wasn't taking any of the bait. "Look at yourself! When was the last time you shaved? Or even washed for that matter?" Levi simply turned his head away, and did not answer her question. He didn't need to tell her how badly he was taking it. No one needed to know.

This only made her even angrier. "Hey! I was talking to you!" and with that she grabbed humanity's strongest soldier by the scruff of his shirt and dragged him towards her, forcing him to lean on his seat. A few inches away from her face she stopped and stared straight into his now lacklustre orbs, the strength in them long faded in the darkness. Levi still found the strength to muster up a glare and at this distance, his sharp grey eyes were even more intimidating. Despite that the woman did not look away and glared right back at him with an anger she had not felt before. It was an anger arousing from disappointment. Disappointment of watching her friend and hero stoop to this level. "She won't come back Levi. Nothing you do is going to change that. Stop trying to return to the past."

"It's none of your business. I'll leave when I'm ready to." She flung him back to his seat. "That's not good enough anymore, Levi! I'm tired of this." With that she threw some money on the counter and kicked the smaller man's chair, knocking him off balance so that he landed square on his behind on the floor. Levi was already in such a mess that it did not require much of her strength to do the manoeuvre and proceeded to carry him bridal-style out of the near-forsaken bar with hopeless protests being spat in her general direction.

END OF PART 1


	2. Risks must be taken

Afraid to be a man, Part 2

_The Greatest Hazard in life is to risk nothing. _

When they were near the headquarters Levi had one arm over Hanji's shoulder as support for walking; a much less humiliating style of commuting.

"Look Levi, the moon is out."

"Yes well spotted Hanji."

"You really are quite the bore here you know that? Even when you're drunk you still don't lighten up."

"Who says anything about me being drunk? I haven't been able to no matter how much I wish for it."

She laughed at this.

_To laugh is to risk being a fool._

_To weep is to risk appearing sentimental._

_To reach out to another is to risk involvement.  
To express feelings is to risk exposing your true self._

Hanji looked questionably at the corporal for a few moments before smiling a small sadistic smile. "…Well then…I suppose I can proceed with my original plan then if that's all the same to you."

Levi tilted his head and raised his eyebrow at this -"Huh, what are you talking about Hanji?"

In response, she flipped his arm off her shoulder in an instant and effectively turned them around so that she had the other pinned to the wall, either one of her arms besides his head.

_To love is to risk not being loved in return._

"…Are you afraid to be a man, Levi?"

"What?"  
"I said- are you afraid to be a-"

"I know what you said, what I meant is…what do _you_ mean by that question?" Levi was suddenly afraid of where this conversation was heading…

_To live is to risk dying._  
_To hope is to risk despair._  
_To try is to risk failure._

The shine from the moon causing glare to her glasses, hiding her eyes from view. She was silent for a moment before she spoke "We have known each other for so long…so many years…and I have seen the way that girl Petra looked at you. Don't tell me you didn't notice. All this time it seemed to me you were just leading her on in some form of false hope that one day…because obviously if you had any form of feelings towards her, you would have manned up and done something about it already, am I right?"

"Don't talk about her as if you knew her!" The sudden anger had flared up inside of him at the mention of the departed comrade.

_The person who risks nothing, does nothing,_  
_Has nothing and is nothing._

"Then tell me Levi! Tell me! Did you love her?" she shouted, emphasising each word. She couldn't hold it in any longer. She needed to know. Her shoulders began to shake.

"Wh..what? What's gotten in to you Hanji? Why are you acting like this?" Suddenly he noticed the small raindrops falling to the ground, right by his feet. He looked up and noticed they came from Hanji's eyes.

"Wh…why…why won't you say anything? You don't know *sniff*…you don't know how painful it is to watch the person you love…looking at someone else…in a way you wish they would look at you. I'm tired of just being your friend…I want to be something more."

_They may avoid suffering and sorrow,_

_But they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live._

This time it was Levi's turn to have his eyes covered, his bangs falling across his eyes as he lowered his face, unable to face the woman opposite him. He breathed in, long and slow, and breathed out the same way. He should have known this day would come.

"I never had time with love…nor do I think I ever will…but if I did I don't know what it would be like. Before I…never allowed my feelings to develop for Petra. Yes I…knew how she felt about me. But I didn't…couldn't…make the first move. I held myself back, thinking if I ever grew attached, and something happened…_this_…happened…I couldn't take it. I love humanity, my squad, my comrades and my friends, too much to ever let them go. How could I possibly let something as self-destructive as falling in love get in my way? I was much safer…to keep her at a distance. Her feelings for me were stronger than my feelings for her, but eventually…a small part of her radiance came through to me. She must have known by the way I used to put up with her a little more than the rest. Still, I left her at bay, and I don't think that was the simple answer you were looking for."

_Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;  
they have forfeited their freedom._

She was quiet for a few moments, taking this in, before she said "So…you _were_ a coward then…a complete coward to Petra, keeping your feelings locked away because you were too afraid of getting hurt." A small chuckle left her lips "I was right, you are afraid to be a man."

Levi could do nothing but nod. Seeing this, Hanji could no longer stay there, and she leaned away from the Corporal, turning on her heel and prepared to leave him.

_But risks must be taken,_

_Because the greatest hazard in_ _life_ _is to risk nothing._

"Hanji wait!"

Levi quickly pulled himself from his state and grabbed her hand, not letting her go into the night. "That doesn't mean I am now! Hanji, I'm willing to start over new! And that reason…is you."

"…what…?" Hanji couldn't believe her ears. She couldn't believe what was coming out of that person's mouth.

"I need your feelings for me right now. I could not be happier for your love for me. But I… must ask you to wait a little longer…but I can say this…I also want us to be more than friends…how much on the other hand, I cannot dispute right now." For the first time that night, Hanji's eyes widened in disbelief before the waterworks turned on again. Anyone would think it was her who had drunk rather than him.

"No that's…*sniff* that's alright," she said as she brushed off her eyes and nose fluid with her sleeve.

_Only a person who risks, is free__._

END


End file.
